Thursday, April 28, 2011

Focus on what's good...

at least that's what I'm trying to do. Since last Friday things have been hard for me. However, I've been trying stay positive and hopeful. Although I have to admit that more than once my feelings have gone from okay to upset (not at anyone in particular, just at the whole TTC situation). I can feel hopeful at the beginning of the day, then sad and not so positive at the end...I guess knowing the IVF might be might be our only shot (at having a baby) and not being able to afford it at the moment (or any time soon) really messes me up =( I'll just keep on praying and hoping, as well as saving for our little miracle...
Now here are my cute (younger) nieces. We went to the park and it was really windy...

really windy!


Friday, April 22, 2011

No 2011 baby for us...

Yesterday was test day, I did the home test and of course it was negative I was expecting it (had on and off cramps/lower back pain since Tuesday). Seeing that single pink line reminded me why I had not test @ home in the past 6 cycles, it hurts! At lunch time I went to do the bloodwork for the test, which came out - also (duh!). Even though from the beginning I had a feeling this IUI was not going to work, another part of me always get hopeful...I guess the rational part of me says don't get your too excited and then there's another part of me that almost everyday day dreams about finally seeing those 2 pink lines, my reaction to it, J's reaction. I even start thinking about the due date, maternity leave and how and when we are gonna tell our families and so on....Then reality hits and boom! my heart breaks again =(
In the past, at least I had another IUI to hold on to, but now the only thing left might be IVF, and even though I really want to give it a try, for now that's out of our reach. As if infertility wasn't hard enough, we also have to worry about the financial side of it...yeah life is great!
ps: there was a baby shower @ work today, same day my beta results came in - and AF came to visit.

Friday, April 1, 2011

This made me tear...

I found this on some one's blog, unfortunately, this person also found it in someone else's blog, so I cannot give credit to who wrote. However, I agree 100% with the writer. Probably everyone dealing with infertility does.

“Thoughts on Becoming a Mother”

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.”

_Unknown.