Bye 2011

Really hoping that 2012 will be a good year, better than 2011.
Def. will try to lose weight by eating healthier and exercise.
Also really hoping my husband gets a better job, cause the one he has right now sux and really stresses him =(
We'll go back (and hopefully) restart treatments (IUI) by March and hopefully 2012 will be the year I get pregnant and of course have a baby.
Something that I'm not looking forward to in 2012 is turning 30. I just hope and pray that the things we are hoping and looking forward to do come true!

Wedding part DOs =)

Tony & Brianda got married...

and I was given the opportunity to take their photos. Although I'm def. not a professional I tried to do good and even made/brought some props. We didn't have much to time to do the photos, since my nieces got bored and tired soon after we arrived @ the park. However, we are planning a re-shoot so my dad can be in some photos since we couldn't be @ the wedding. For now here are some of my favs. (I like a lot of them)

Fall and photos...

I think fall is officially my fav. season. I just love the colors of the leaves, both of the ground or still attach to the trees =) I also like the weather, it's not yet too cold and def. not hot, I sleep better! Oh and also I got married in the fall.

I love Y's expression in this one. Even though her eyes are closed, she looks happy and relax, the way a kid should always be =)


Did I mentioned I love the color of the leaves?


I miss having a chimney...A must for when we buy a house.

Sad...

That doesn't completely covers how I'm feeling, but it's the first word that comes to mind. It's been over 3 years since we started trying to start a family and still nothing. It's been almost 7months seven since my last (5th) IUI and I haven't been to the RE's office for a follow-up. We did go for in July for an InVitro consultation, but since we don't have the money for it, that was all.
I was able to not be to down the past months, at least I haven't had any emotional break downs. I attended a baby shower in August and even did a newborn shoot for a co-worker w/no problem. I almost didn't cry on our 3 year TTC anniversary. So even though every now and then, specially around babies and pregnant ladies I feel emotional I say I've been good.
However, this past couple days, specially today I've been feeling pretty sad. I feel scare that I will never get to be a mom. I feel kinda lonely. Like even though others might sympathized with me, they don't really know how I feel, and it gets really lonely. And yes I know it's no ones fault, so I'm not mad at them, it just feels like I'm this long, not really know what's gonna happen, journey alone =(
I love my nieces, I love seeing them grow. 2 of them are almost teenagers, while the other 3 are still little girls. I always thought my kids would go grow up with their cousins, like I did with mine, now I'm not even sure if I'll ever have kids...

I guess turning 30 pretty soon doesn't help much. I mean when we started trying I was 26 1/2 and I always thought that by the time I was 30 I would be either done having kids or having my 2nd. Now I just hope I can at least be pregnant before I turn 31. I know that a lot of celebrities among other women are having kids in their 40s, but most of them planned it that way, they chose to wait. They can afford to do invitro whenever, even just use a surrogate if they don't want to carry the baby themselves. But I didn't plan for this. I have always wanted to be a mom, been trying over 3 years. Almost 2 of those 3 with treatments and still nothing and we cannot afford invitro, at least not any time soon.
I guess I'm done w/this blog for now, I thought typing my feelings would help, but instead just made me feel more frustrated.

More photos...

These are from last weekend.

Bugs, crows, niece and a baby

Those were my subjects for this week, although most of them didn't even know it =)

Oct. 2nd @ the park

I present my uterus:

Still empty after 3 years.
Enough said.

More nieces photos

Taken on labor day 2011



Taken 08/25/2011

balloons...

Photos =)

These are from the past 2 wks.


I made this tutu =)

Words and thoughts...

I found another infertile's blog and not to my surprise we have a lot of things or thoughts in common. She posted a list of confessions of things that have to do w/infertility and I agree/ feel the same way about most of them...so here they are:

~ Sometimes, I’m really not all that happy for people when they are pregnant. Sometimes I truly am... but yeah... sometimes, not so much.


~ When I see pregnant women, I get so jealous of them that I hate myself for it.

~ I feel guilty for even thinking the previous statement. I really do =(

~ I’ve started to avoid good friends who have children simply because they don’t understand what I’m going through. (I haven't done this, but might)
~ I hate, yes, HATE, any celebrity who is pregnant regardless of whatever issues they’ve had. They have money, they are attractive, and they could have a baby any way they want: surrogate, 100 IVF’s, adoption or a time-share kid if they so choose.

~ I can’t even watch commercials having to do with diapers, pregnancy tests, baby products, or toys.


~ Sometimes it feels like I am doing my best to act “normal” almost 75% of the time these days.

Songs that used to inspire me before past fertility treatments (JUST HAVEN’T MET YOU YET by Michael Buble), I now can’t even listen to as they are associated with failed cycles. (I cried last time I heard it)

~ I ask myself ‘Why me?’ more often than I can count.


~ I feel like I’m being punished.

~ Sometimes it scares me how angry I get at the entire world.

~ I’m mad at myself for not majoring in something more lucrative. For realz =(

~ I always wake up with the thought and hope that I will stay strong and positive and some days, I fail miserably.

So there it is...it maybe selfish, but it helps a bit to know someone it's going through the same thing and really understand it, even if you don't know them and they don't know you. At the same time it sucks that someone else has to deal w/this crap because you know how much it hurts =(

Wordless Wednesday

Defeated

That's how I feel. I've been fighting that feeling since last week. I think for tonight I'll just give into it. I can't speak for every person out there fighting against infertility, but for me this is an everyday battle. Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel okay, hopeful and patiently await the arrival of our little one (who will hopefully come). Other days I feel nostalgic,sad, as if I'm missing someone that should've already been here. Usually on the sad days, I'm not just sad, but also feel frustrated, negative and upset. It's been almost 3 years since we started this journey and to be honest I never thought it was going to be such long road. We don't know when our baby miracle is gonna come...or if it will come, but I like to think someday he/she will and all of this pain and sadness will just seem like a bump on the road. A bump we'll overcome I hope.
For tonight I'll let the emptiness fill me, tomorrow I'll get up and keep fighting.