Hope...

Over the past months hope was not a word I felt in my heart as I had before.

It made me sad and mad at same time, but I couldn't help feeling almost hopeless. Infertility is something that I/we have to deal w/since 2009-when I was diagnosed w/PCOS and a few months later we added Oligospermia to our infertility diagnose =( From the summer of 2009 to summer of 2011 we did treatments @ an RE clinic trying and hoping to conceive.
I was 27 1/2 when we started treatment and I was very hopeful that by the time I turned 30 we would have 1 or 2 babies(from a successful treatment cycle). The nurses at the RE clinic would continuously tell me that I was still very young and to not lose hope. However, after several failed cycles of timed intercourse, 4 negatives IUIs, many injections, blood draws, a gigantic (golf ball size) cyst removal and many many tears (from me), we decided to take a break from treatment... also the drs at the RE clinic pretty much started pushing for InVitro Fertilization. After the 3 failed IUIs they recommended we started looking into it. After the 4th fail they said to strongly think about IVF and even scheduled an appt for us to discuss it w/an IVF specialist. We did go to that appt, it was at the end of summer of 2011 and after they quoted us about "15,500" for 1 IVF cycle we told them the truth, we did have the money to do IVF "yet" and we needed a break from treatment.
First it was going to be a break til new year, so 3 months. Then by new years we decided to wait til summer, part of me hoping to have "fresh start" after 1 yr free of hormones. Also it was nice not to be stress in a way interfility and the treatments can stress you and drain you out (emotionally/mentally), etc. But then life happened, J lost his job and we agreed once he had a job again we would go back and push for 1-2 more IUI cycles...well that never happened. We had other important issues to solve and also part of me, I guess, didn't want to face going back and being push to IVF when we both knew we couldn't afford it. I do think that after 1 year if we had the money and both of us had a stable job we probably would have tried again, maybe 1-2 IUIs and even IVf. Who knows, if that had been the case maybe we would have a 2 year old now =(

That's the thing about infertility, there's a lot ifs and maybes. This summer, it's been 3 years since we last step foot at the RE clinic. I'm 32 1/2 and no baby yet. I guess I kinda ignored and numb my pain about it for the past 2 yrs or so, but it has always been there. Lately I've been more aware of it...like its resurfing and part of me doesn't want to ignore it more. I still want to be a mother, want enjoy parenthood and all the it entails!

Over the past year I've been reading several blog/stories about adoption and it even though I have always thought about it, lately it has been pulling at me more. The love and connection of those adopting parents have w/their little ones doesn't seem different than those of parents w/biological children. "Parenthood requires love, not DNA" I read this and couldn't agree more. Hubs and I talked about adoption briefly in the past, but last night and today we talked about it more, it's good to know he's open to it.

before the talk.

after the adoption talk.

IVF doesn't guaranteed you a baby, it increases the chances, but not 100 %. Adoption does give you a child, it may take more than 9 months, sometimes much less. So I think if we have to do one (IVF vs.Adoption) to become parents, adoption is where we are heading. We are not doing it right now...2 yrs if no baby yet, but just having a goal and an idea-time wise of what the future may hold makes me feel hopeful again.