Sad...

That doesn't completely covers how I'm feeling, but it's the first word that comes to mind. It's been over 3 years since we started trying to start a family and still nothing. It's been almost 7months seven since my last (5th) IUI and I haven't been to the RE's office for a follow-up. We did go for in July for an InVitro consultation, but since we don't have the money for it, that was all.
I was able to not be to down the past months, at least I haven't had any emotional break downs. I attended a baby shower in August and even did a newborn shoot for a co-worker w/no problem. I almost didn't cry on our 3 year TTC anniversary. So even though every now and then, specially around babies and pregnant ladies I feel emotional I say I've been good.
However, this past couple days, specially today I've been feeling pretty sad. I feel scare that I will never get to be a mom. I feel kinda lonely. Like even though others might sympathized with me, they don't really know how I feel, and it gets really lonely. And yes I know it's no ones fault, so I'm not mad at them, it just feels like I'm this long, not really know what's gonna happen, journey alone =(
I love my nieces, I love seeing them grow. 2 of them are almost teenagers, while the other 3 are still little girls. I always thought my kids would go grow up with their cousins, like I did with mine, now I'm not even sure if I'll ever have kids...

I guess turning 30 pretty soon doesn't help much. I mean when we started trying I was 26 1/2 and I always thought that by the time I was 30 I would be either done having kids or having my 2nd. Now I just hope I can at least be pregnant before I turn 31. I know that a lot of celebrities among other women are having kids in their 40s, but most of them planned it that way, they chose to wait. They can afford to do invitro whenever, even just use a surrogate if they don't want to carry the baby themselves. But I didn't plan for this. I have always wanted to be a mom, been trying over 3 years. Almost 2 of those 3 with treatments and still nothing and we cannot afford invitro, at least not any time soon.
I guess I'm done w/this blog for now, I thought typing my feelings would help, but instead just made me feel more frustrated.