One of those days, or nights

When I'm feeling all down and depressed. I keep telling my self to remain positive and that sooner or later J and I will have our little miracle, but still there's days like today that I feel almost defeated/upset and sad. I see on the infertility board that I go to that a lot of the ladies that started TTC around the time we did are now finally pregnant and while part of me is happy for their blessing, part of me wonder if I'm ever gonna be able to see those two beautiful 2 pink lines. I feel mad at my self and frustrated that this cycle was a total loss and we basically wasted it. We were supposed to go out of town for a few days during my vacation, therefore I didn't go to get a baseline scan or RX's since I figure the RE wouldn't want to put me on meds if I was not going to be around for 6 days. Well, at the last minute we had to cancel our vacation and by then it was cycle day 8, too late to start treatment =( Now I'm cd#24 and hoping I get AF w/in 1 wk, if not I have to call and get provera and it'll be at least 10 days from there til I get AF and be able to start another cycle and hopefully treatment for IUI#3.
This September will be 2 years/ or 24 months/ 22 cycles of TTC. I'm really hoping and praying we'll get pg before that, but since the past 3 months have been "standing still almost mode" I'm not getting my hopes too high up...Will it be too much to ask to be finally conceive before this year ends??
Don't mean to just complain/vent, but part of me just wants to crawl to my bed and cry...a lot.

Just more random pics...because I need to practice

a lot!





these were all taken in manual setting, so...yeah =P

Finally setting the camera on manual =)

Just starting so I have like a million things to learn...

Just some more photos..fam/fun

Some ramdon photos

With every month the passes

it gets more difficult to be positive. Cycle 19 was a fail because @ the last minute my follicles had poor respond to the medication =( So I tried to stay positive and told my self that at least next cycle I would be on vacation and at least I would be more relax since I would not have to worry about requesting time for appts. Well, never mind that, AF decided to show up about 10 days early and since we are gonna be out of town for 3 days, plus other timing issues, I didn't even get to do treatment this time. It SUCKS! every time I think we might actually have a chance something goes wrong. It's been almost 3 months since my 2nd IUI and since then we haven't had a real shot. I don't mean to me whinny, but it's so frustrating. At times I feel like I'm loosing hope =( then I remind my self, that I can't do that because at the moment it seems to be the only thing we have to keep going.

Another setback/dissapointment...

Last time I posted here I was in a better mood and feeling more hopefully than I'm feeling now. After doing Bravelle (injections) from cd#3-13, I went in today for another ultrasound and to see if my follicles were ready for IUI on cd#16. However, today instead of bigger follicles, the 3 main I had last appt, had disappeared or shrunk to a size 9...half the minimum size my dr. wants them for IUI. Even my lining went from an size 8.3 to an 8. I kinda new something was weird since my follies were not maturing as much as is expected, but I still couldn't help having a mini emotional break down after the ultrasound. The RE told me next cycle they are gonna start me on 225 units instead of 150. I really do hope and pray that my ovaries will respond better to that, as for now I can't help feeling disappointed, sad and mad at my body. So much for a March baby right?...